what do you see?

darwin, oz

2012-02-03T15:32:00.003+02:00

after istanbul darwin is a relief. the temperatures never change, the only season there is is the dry and wet season. this time around the wet season with its' thunderstorms, sheet lightning and lightning that "crawls" was absolutely hypnotic. and then twin rainbows...just magical.

bali

2012-01-18T03:38:00.002+02:00

i missed india so much in bali. the offerings in front of every shop and home, the scooters weaving through traffic, the rains flooding the streets, the breeze that follows the rain...and the sunsets in the tropics never disappoint me.

kundalini dans ediyor

2012-01-06T15:52:00.003+02:00

dun bombastik bir kundalini dersine gittim. bir kac aydir yogi arkadasim ozgur'le bu derslere katiliyordum. sivananda yoga'dan sonra kundalini yoga hocasi olmak isterim. insani oyle bir salliyor ki, gercekten varlik oldugumuzu ve insan kiyafeti giydigimizi fark ediyorum. ders sonrasi ve ertesi gun dusunmek yorumlamak uymak gibi otomatige bagladigim seyler birden yok oluyor ve beynimin koseleri bosaliyor! o bosalma hissi iste yasanmasi gerek, irem degil ruh ozgur bir sekilde lay lay lay dans ediyor.

you are what you read

2011-12-27T11:47:00.003+02:00

it's strange that i started reading voraciously after the age of 16. some kids love to read at an early age and some bloom later :) but i agree with John Maxwell when he talks about how reading is essential in our growth if we have a growth plan. who you choose to have in your head and whom you choose to listen to shapes your thoughts which influence your behaviour and translates into the life you want to lead. i love underlining books because it makes it easier to go back and skim it and retrieve what you want to take away with you.

books i am enjoying right now

a new earth by eckhart tolle
thinking for a change by john maxwell
influence: the psychology of persuasion by robert cialdini
hayal avciligi by paul levesque and art mcneil
soul leadership by deepak chopra

my friend who lives 100%

2011-11-24T13:35:00.007+02:00

it's Jo. Jo from south africa.

i met her in the spring of this year at a party and after a coffee couldn't get enough. she gave me the courage to believe in many things: spinning, tanning, laughing loud and hard, doing what feels hard to do but necessary to combat boredom and status quo, to keep searching and to keep growing. it was her insight that helped me bring perspective to my own life and helped me channel my thoughts in a direction that would lead me to cool adventures.

for example when we were talking about zeynep's death and i told her it felt like i was walking in a vacuum, she said it may feel like being at the edge of a pool and you want to jump in and have a sudden realisation that she is gone but this whole process is a little like wading in and you don't know you are in the water until you see youself completely in it accepting and waded.

Jo talks fast and you better hold on for a great ride. she loves dr. seuss and she convinced me that i needed to memorize "oh the places you will go". one of my
favorite part is:

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

zeynep

2011-11-18T14:40:00.004+02:00

dun sisli camii'de zeynep'e elveda dedik hep beraber. inanamiyorum, cok gencti, nasil olur boyle birsey...demek kolay, hatta aklima ilk gelen seyler. ama birini kaybetmek degil de o kisi hayatima en buyuk ne birakti sorusunu kendime hatirlatmaya calisyorum artik.

zeynep kendi ozel hayatini paylasmazdi ama hoslandigi insanlarla vakit gecirmeye severdi. geceleri disari cikmazdi ama biz hazirlanirken ve gozlerimizi boyarken onunki de boyanirdi. haftasonu brunchtan sonra biz dukkan sukkan gezerdik, zeynep eve gidip dinlenirdi. sevmedigi, istemedigi seyleri yapmazdi ama bizim yaptigimiza da tepkisel degildi. grubun dinamigini bozmaz, sessizce cekilir ve herkes devam eder. kendi aliskanliklarina sadikti ve yeni insanlarla tanismak, farkli birsey tatmak, gunun nereye gidecegini bilmeden macera yasamaktan da cekinmiyordu. istedigi sekilde yasadi ve kimseyi incitmeden ve yormadan. butun dunyayi dolasmis, aksam eve gelip onlarla "true blood"i seyrettigim oldu, sukiiii sukiii deyip sacmaladigimizi, youttube'da tarkan'in sarkisini dinlerken dans ettigimizi, en sevdigi puantiyeli esofman ustuyle bize gulerdi.

onu ozlememek mumkun degil. farkli bir zamanda, farkli bir yerde yine bulusmak uzere...

birsey dogru oldugunda

2011-11-04T11:18:00.004+02:00

aslinda hayatta ne yasiyorsak o anda onu yasamamiz gerekiyor tam benligimizle
ama ne yasamak istiyorsak onun secimi de bize ait
ve ne sectiysek o anda o an icinde bizim icin dogru olan an
ama ama mama maaami

yani hayatimizda aslinda hersey dogru eger o ani yasamaya varligimizla yasarsak
ve dogru oldugunu sakinligimizle yasadigimizda hersey akiyor
hic zorlamadan
yani o anda yargi yoksa, dusunce yoksa, bugun ne pisirecegim, isteki bilmem kim kiriciydi dusunceler falan yoksa, ve sadece icimizdeki o sakinligi hissedip atiyorum yemek yiyorsak, telefonda konusuyorsak, alisveris yapiyorsak, araba kullaniyorsak, o zaman dogru yoldayiz cunku dogru olan karmasik dramatik ve kafa karistirici olmaz. hersey tikirtikir birbirine girmeden islemeye basliyor.

australia: no dramas

2011-10-21T16:03:00.002+03:00

this is a country where people say:
no worries
no dramas
g'day

loved every minute i was there.

shifting in the desert

2011-09-09T10:44:00.002+03:00

there's something that calls me when i am in the desert. my favorite desert is the sahara out in merzouga, morocco. i was able to spend some time in the liwa desert, a two hour ride from abu dhabi but it wasn't the same.

but sunrises and sunsets in deserts are. something in me shifts and i cease being irem or a friend or a person with an identity, it is liberating in a very quiet way. the chit chat in my head just brakes.

renkli bir yaz geciyor

2011-08-26T12:59:00.004+03:00

degerlendiriyorum, yaz aylari geciyor, bu arada neler yaptim, nasil hissediyorum
ee fena degilim. yerimde duramadim...
datca ile yazi actim
sonra is icin patronla baya gormedigim yerleri gordum
bu yaz isler yogundu yavaslayamadi, arada bir yeni bir grup yeni bir sarkiya sariyordum, devam onu dinliyordum
bunu fark ettim bu yaz: uuuu seslerin oldugu, islikli olan sarkilari hemen hemen seviyorum
arkadasim evlendi, all the single ladies sarkisina katilacak olan kizlar azalmasin!
agustos'ta belcika ve luksemburgtaydim, fransizca ogrenme cabasinda bulundum ve cok beceremedim galiba. dil cok kompleks ise insanlari da kompleks, ogretmenimizi anlayana kadar gozlerim karardi
annemin sevgi cemberinde takildim biraz, sadece 4 gun
istanbul'a donmekten mutluyum ama
onumuzdeki aylarda yine cok gezme var, vitaminlerimi duzenli aliyorum

amasya ve samsun

2011-07-20T10:27:00.003+03:00

karadeniz'de cici yerler buralar. deniz kenarinda samsun, tatli irmakli bir amasya. sulu sehirleri cok seviyorum. yollardaki yesillik ve dramatik bulutlar buyuleyici.

hiz

2011-07-18T12:03:00.003+03:00

bir cok seyi kaciriyorum gibime geliyor. o kadar hizli yasiyorum ki. gun icinde isteki olaylar, is cikisi binlerce insanlar arasinda hayatimin akisini saglamak icin degisik yerlerde kapi kapi duraklamak- kuru temizlememi almak, arkadasimla corba icmek, terzime gidip kiyafetimin provasini yapmak, bina yoneticime ugramak...

yatagima girdigimde ah kitap okumam gerekiyor yoksa tempomu kaybederim diye isigi acip kitabima devam ediyorum. "Three Cups of Tea" bitirdim ve 1 hafta kitabi okurken bu kadar agladigimi hatirlamiyorm. "A Fraction of a Whole" kitabinda da ciddi bir sekilde de gulmustum. yaz aylari yavas gecer diye umuyordum ama oyle olmadi- cok yakin bir arkadasim Israil'e Ibranice ogrenmeye gitti, onunla spinning derslerine gidiyordum cok ozluyorum onu, is icin manyak gibi uctum her yere, bir arkadasim evleniyor, baska biri 30 yasina girdi, ben onumuzdeki 6 aylik suremi planliyorum, Peru seyahatim yaklasiyor, sacimin uzamasini istiyorum artik, kalbimin hizla heyecanla atmasini istiyorum filan ve atti gibi, kurabiye yapip evimin kokusunu degistiriyorum...dolu bir hayat ve kendime guvenden baska birsey yok. bi de bu yaz bir motora bineyim ruzgari hissedeyim istiyorum.

datca in viewfinder

2011-06-08T17:34:00.001+03:00

datca

2011-05-24T11:45:00.003+03:00

what a fabulous little place. i was there when we canoed for 60 kms for 3 days- we swam in datca waters, in isolated bays, fighting waves that appeared threatening to canoes alone. but datca on land is sweet, quaint and because it is relatively more difficult than other places in terms of getting there, it remains less touched. the waters are clear and green, sand is actually pebble-y and the water is far from warm. i laughed long and hard once in and felt disoriented once out. can't wait to post some pictures.

walking for a reason

2011-05-10T14:53:00.003+03:00

1st May was fabulous. years of not being able to march and now the second year the Turkish people have been allowed to walk in comfort and for their rights- it was marvellous. no wonder i like football matches- crowds of more than 60,000 coming together for one cause is a feeling of power and of union. it was quite a yogic moment for me. for someone who didn't grow up here which is why i don't carry the wounds of the past, it was still moving to see thousands moved.

and the next walk will be this sunday for the "filters" occurring on the internet. life is not becoming any easier.

when friends visit

2011-04-27T11:48:00.003+03:00

it was lovely to have friends from the States over. i hadn't seen archana for 5 years and jana i had never met but everything clicked into place. i guess living alone has advantages and disadvantages, i realised how lonely it could get because i fed off the wonderful company they gave me. they had a chance to see the wonders and dynamism istanbul offered and the peace that small town selcuk gave them. and it was tough having them leave. very tough. i miss them very much. i also realised how much i missed living in the States. it has never been easy to be split in different directions.

prayer to goddess durga

2011-03-18T08:57:00.003+02:00

durge smurta
harsi bheetim
ashe shajuntoho
swastahe smurta mati mati va
subhandadhasi
daridhrya dukha bhaya
harinakadhvadaniya
survopakarr karanaya
sadhardrachitta
sarvomangala mangalaye
shivesarvartha saadhike
karaniye trambhake gauri
narayani namostute

om shanti shanti shanti

for the japanese,
for mother nature to restore her balance quickly

i loved beirut

2011-03-11T11:11:00.003+02:00

it felt like i was travelling back in time, back to pakistan.
the sadness of war and the optimisim of new roads and buildings, the mini-skirts alongside covered women driving in traffic, the helpful homeless, the old well-kept mercedes taxis, the same old bargaining which is annoying but it earns you respect, the smlies on the faces of the military among tiny children on roller blades and tricycles, the good coffee and tourists we kept seeing once every 4 hours...it was a wonderful picture of diversity, an acceptance of history and a choice that there was nothing but hope to hope for.

cirque du soleil

2011-02-23T11:36:00.005+02:00

bu aralar kulturel faaliyetlerimde bir artis var. uzak durmusum gibi geldi- opera, hindi zahra ve dun cirque du soleil. once haberler geldi gumrukte isiklar ve ayakkabilari takildigi icin londra ve paris'teki gosterileri gibi olmamis. sonra burcuyla konustum, cok eglenmis ve performans inanilmazdi dedi. haftaici ve yagmurlu istanbul'da beklenmedik bir sekilde cok rahat gittik. cansuyla heyecanliydik, yerlerimiz sahneden cok uzak degildi, goruntu mukemmel, icerdeki hava durumu normal ve yanimizda misir patlamasi. acayip sevdim renkli insanlari, muzigi, sahneyi, atlamak ziplamak istedim boyle. cansu'nun yaninda bir kac gazli teyze, benim yanimda 10 yasinda surekli konusan cocuklar. gaz olayi baya kotuydu, parfumler fisfisladik, huzurumuz biraz bozuldu. ama sahnedeki olaylar insan disiydi, tanrisal gucunu bariz bir sekilde agizim acik izledim. ondan da buyuleyiciydi. burda bir sir, bir perde yoktu. ordan ayrilmak kolay degildi. sahnedeki herkesle bir kahve filan icseydik, tanissaydik dedim icimden..

donemsel izleme

2011-02-18T11:07:00.002+02:00

iste PMS olunca bana boyle bi "oturayim iki saniye" oluyorum ama o iki saniye uzuyor. hindistan'da sivananda'nin kitaplarindan birinde kadinlar regle olurken, olmak uzereyken, icleri cok daha meditatif oluyormus. yani gorusumuz cok daha yalin ve gun icinde kendimizi kaybettigimiz anlar azaliyormus. regle zamanlarinda kendimizle bir oluyormusuz. erkeklerde bu olmuyormus. kendimizle yuzlesme anlari bu donemlerde daha kolay. ondan regle olmak bir nimet, bu donemlerde dramatik olabiliyorum ama yinede o sessizlik bana iyi geliyor.

state of mind

2011-02-10T16:08:00.003+02:00

i have been moving continuously for the past few weeks. not travelling. doing a lot of miles in my head and personal growth for sure.

i am in istanbul. days at work, nights at work and play. all very fulfilling. i feel so good when i work on my own business. there is nothing more freeing than to work for yourself.

yeni yilin ilk haftalari

2011-01-17T15:51:00.005+02:00

super girdim. bombastika. gecen hafta is yerinde gerginlik ve stresli gunler gecirdik ondan biraz yoruldum ama sonucta hersey yolunda. olmamasi icin bir neden yok! soguk ve kasvetli hava biraz daraltiyor ama mevsimler yasanmali, yollarda buz olmasin yeter diyorum. dun aksam cansu'nun kopegi cano ile tanistim. asik oldum. asik olmaya ozlemisim, olmazdim diye dusunuyordum...belki artik insan varliga asik olmak zor ama cano ayri. cok cok ayri. belki de kendime cok benzettigim icin mi bu kadar yakinlik hissettim?

bazi aklimda kalan anlar:
kucagimda cok rahatti (2005'te filan bir insanin kucagindaydim ve rahat bir yerdi, hic yadirgamadim)
yandan optu ve burnumdan (enteresan secenekler, bende sevdigim birinin burnundan operim)
tostunu sicak severmis
cayini soguk iciyor (sicakligi kaybolduktan sonrada soguk cayi icerim)
rahat bir koltukta uyumaktan hoslaniyor (bende)
ne kadar heyecanli olsa bile cok caktirmiyor (ben bunu yapmaya calisyorum, yolum var daha)
komplekssiz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgpOGLXVHKk&NR=1
ve son olarak alakasiz olabilir ama keith urban'nin parcasi ile kapatiyorum. bu sarki beni mutlu ediyor bu aralar.

hair mafia yine yapti yapacaklarini

2010-12-20T14:29:00.002+02:00

beyazlarimi gormuyormusum, gorduklerimi de gormemezlikten. kolaymis bunu yapmak. bunca sene kina kina kina diye bagiran biri olarak artik bu kelimeleri bagirmayacagim cunku boya hayatima girdi. dun.

ahmet senin iyiligin icin yasayan biri. hindistandan once soylemisti ve o zamandan beri de gitmek istiyordum. tam sacimin rengini tutturdu, yani 2 ay sonra sanki alttan farkli bir sac canavari cikiyor gibi olmayacak. boya bitti ve sordum baska yapilacak birsey var mi? bekle dedi, kesim gerekiyor dedi.

ve kesti. insan rahat birakildiginda gercekten guzel seyler uretebiliyor, bilginin kullanilmasi icin, faydasini gorebilmen icin guven tam olmali. herkes gitti geldi muhtesem oldu deyip durdular. banka topantilarina boyle gidebilecekmiyim sordum, gidersin dedi.

ben de tamam dedim.

the new year is upon us

2010-12-16T10:04:00.003+02:00

it's here! 2011 is here. it's been a fantastic year of learning- learning from my boss, peers and close friends. and learning doesn't ever finish which is why i have decided to:

(finally) learn how to ski this year
learn how to focus in on subject material in my photography
learn how to communicate and connect with people i meet faster and deeper
learn to be open and explorative and not place judgement

my word this year was absorb
my word next year is going to be expand

hayatim degismekte

2010-12-13T11:43:00.002+02:00

degisim ne kadar huzursuzluk verse de degisim gelismek demektir benim icin. degisime acik oldukca da daha anlayisli, esnek ve pozitif oldugumu goruyorum. buna yol acan da beynime giren bilgiler ve dusundugum seyleri degistirmekte sakli. kendi kendime beyin banyosu yapiyorum evet. zihnim acik oldukca da goruyorum ki hayatima sokmak istedigim seylerin yelpazesi inanilmaz genismis ve perspektifim onceden darmis. kucuk adimlarla yavas yavas caktirmadan ama bilincli bir sekilde aliskanliklarimi degistirerek hayatima daha fazla guzellik ve imkan almaya hazirim.

oh be rahatladim. neden bu kadar kasmisim hayret.

taxis in istanbul

2010-12-03T11:39:00.003+02:00

i met a sweet lady this past weekend who was overwhelmed with istanbul and it was all because of the scare she got from a taxi driver. it's the taxis out in sultanahmet. they all wait like vultures, don't take locals and take only tourists, and now their most recent scheme is to pretend the 50 TL the tourist gives them is a 5 TL note! the lady said she met 2 other women who had been harrassed and threatened at night coming back from sultanahmet. the taxis also did not leave them at the hotel requested and further away so that they did not get detected by the cameras of the hotel.

so basically they cannot be reported. the women wanted to get out of the car and did not think of getting their license plate. what's more they ended up giving several 50 TL notes until the driver shut up.

now these are some of things that don't just anger me, it embarrasses me. why would anyone want to come back to a place like this after feeling scared and hounded with noone to actually report this to.

i myself have been having issues with taxis- saying they came only 7 TL worth and waited for hours at the stand, that there was too much traffic and they would not go. they would rather not drive and would prefer take people to the airport (sabiha gokcen is best) and that too the long way. some friends of mine and i do it as well call the stand immediately to make them aware of attitudes and i definitely try not to get into taxis that are not from stands.

the taj

2010-11-30T10:57:00.001+02:00

success

2010-11-26T10:37:00.003+02:00

i have been thinking about success lately, about what it means to be successful. everyone wants to be successful but not many want to pay the price to get from point a to point b. i was chatting with my awesome boss today and we talked about how it is important to be recognized for what you do or create to be deemed successful. just saying "i am successful" in your head is not enough. and i think he is right.

i read john maxwell almost everyday because he is an amazing inspirational person and he says in one of his talks that one can be successful only to a certain point and then it becomes important to be significant- in terms of making a difference in people's lives. i know that what motivates me to get up each morning liking my life and wanting to live it is my desire to make a difference in people's lives as i change myself. noone is going to change me but me alone. and it has to be a conscious decision every single day.

india= colour

2010-11-24T08:51:00.000+02:00

rajasthan and its magic

2010-11-23T11:16:00.002+02:00

india and the whirlwind

2010-11-23T10:55:00.004+02:00

the travel itinerary was perfect, or so i thought. i wanted to make sure we hit the right spots and using the best resources. here's the schedule i came up with:

istanbul- delhi flight 6.5 hours
delhi- agra by train (as soon as we landed): 3 hours
stay a night and hop on agra- jaipur train: 7 hours
stay 2 nights and go to ajmer by train 2.5 hours
stay 2 nights in ajmer and go to pushkar as well, then head off to jodhpur by bus: 5 hours
stay 1 night in jodhpur and go to delhi by train: 11 hours
stay a day in delhi and fly back to istanbul: 6.5 hours

that's a total of 41.5 hours of travel in 8 days and hitting 6 cities.

now that's what i call madness and i didn't realise it until we were doing it.

the great thing was karma and the universe was on our side because india who is notorious for delays was perfect each step on the way. and with a little effort from our side we did not have too many cases of people taking our seats or hassling us too much. friendly people they are who i believe have been taught to say "hello" and "do you need help" as soon as they are able to speak. we saw a deaf couple when we were travelling and thought how interesting it might be to only watch and only feel the vibration caused by the honking, and watching faces, colours and smells...

we travelled rough but compensated for the fatigue by staying in nice havelis (indian mansions where entire families stay), ate food that overwhelmed the taste buds and window-shopped and walked streets that did not believe in sidewalks. we shared everything with camels, cows, monkeys, dogs, scooters, bikes, cars and buses.

india is special. no doubt about it. every second was worth the mental and physical exhaustion. it was both very human and yet very sub-god-like for the potential we saw in ourselves... the potential to be the best person you can be.

feeling right in your skin

2010-11-09T13:56:00.005+02:00

i am going to india with my best pal eren this friday. it's like i am almost saying i am going away for the weekend, but india just feels so comfortable, like my own skin. but then again there is excitement and that is going to feel like my skin getting a makeover. i know india creates shifts within and one can only feel it once back. i am going to feel it when getting a manicure or something like that. it's suddenly going to hit me and it could be something as unprofound as:
"i am alive".

i am glad to be alive in the skin i am in...this time around at least.

inancla

2010-11-09T09:04:00.004+02:00

kendine inanmak demek- bence- yapmak istedigin herseyi 100% yasamak
pismanlik sifir
inancla bir adim atmak basarina dogru goturur
inanc bir sonraki ondan sonraki adimi attirir ve icindeki gucunu harekete sokar
inanc kendi dogrularini kendine kanitlar

ben kendime inaniyorum
ve kendine inanmak isteyen ve inanan insanlarin aralarinda olmak istiyorum
inancsiz bir hayat zor olur diye dusunuyorum (zaten zor ama zorlastirir)

this whole terrorism concept

2010-11-02T16:08:00.002+02:00

i mean the suicide bomber incident right on taksim square where i usually say my goodbyes to whomever (it's the usual parting spot), it subliminally shook me up. i was nowhere near the incident. i was walking out in sultanahmet on a clear sunny day when a friend received news that there had been a blast. the fact that it was a human being with 2 detonating objects on him came a few hours later. and it led me to have some real disturbing dreams that same night. i woke up an emotional wreck the next day and it happened to be monday.

i have done so well protecting myself from media, from television, i have been able to turn the page on newspapers with morbid photos, done well looking away at headlines that start with "death..." that anything that is remotely violent shakes me to the core. and the freaky thing is my astrologer had predicted this last month...

i don't want to be this sensitive and then again i don't want to be de-sensitized either. it's not like violence is going to end, because i know there is a balance we don't see. it's not easy to make sense of it all.

hair mafia

2010-11-02T09:58:00.004+02:00

bu sene neye tesekkur etmem gerektigini kendime sormam gerekiyorsa o da hair mafia'daki ahmet'in varligina demem gerekiyor. o bir sac tasarim gurusu. cunku (cok basitce):

ne istedigini dinliyor
genel istediklerini dinledikten sonra profesyonelce kesiyor
muhabbeti tuhaf ve eglenceli
ortam eglenceli ve muzik icini baymiyor
sac yikama bir azap degil (su damlar, sicrar, boynun agririr filan onlar yok)
yaratilan tasarim yuze, saca ve karaktere tam oturan
radikal tasarim yapabilir ama seni okuyabiliyor ve seni zorlamiyor
guven veriyor
harika gozukmeni istiyor, siradan bir insan olmadigin icin siradan bir sac kesimi yapmiyor

eski piyano, siyah masalar, aynalar yuvarlak, eski bir bavuldan cikan fon makinalar, hair mafia televizyonu ama sinekler var ekranda. ortam cezbediyor. hele google yapip websitesine bir goz atildiginda bakiyorsun ahmet bir manifesto yazmis. meditasyon yapar, yurtdisinda yasamis ve sac tasarimi konusunda istanbul'da kendisine ait bir aurasi var.

kotu sacim olmus gecmiste onu anladim.
kesemeyen adama cok gitmisim onu anladim.
hepsi de sagolsun ahmet sayesinde.

yagmur yagarken neler yapilir

2010-10-28T14:37:00.003+03:00

en guzeli sevismek olur herhalde
sicak cikolata icilir
yoga yapilir
guzel bir yagmurluk, su gecirmez botlar giyip yuruyuse cikilir, park'ta filan
korku filmi seyredilir ve sonra dalga gecilir
corba icilir
bitkiler sulanmaz
temizlik yapilmaz
dans edilir
tutsu yakilir
isten erken cikilir
hamama gidilir
sokak kedilere mama verilir ve sevilir
gunluguye yazilir
kitap uzun uzun okunur
su damlalarin fotografi cekilir (baya zor)
taksiye binebilmek icin dua edilir
sokaktan hizlica gecen arabalara sovulur
bogaz seyredilir ama vapura binilmez
arkadaslarla planlar yapilir

nerde kalirsam kalayim

2010-10-27T13:47:00.003+03:00

hep kendim olmakla ugrasiyorum
ugras olmamali ama iste oyle oluyor
anlamayan yorumluyor yargiliyor
bende yapiyorum bazen kizinca filan
dinleyecek zamani olmayan dinlemiyor
ama
ama zamanlarina deger verenler yanindalar
degerlerini bilenler deger verdiklerine bir sekilde gosteriyorlar

patronuma tesekkur, tepem atinca korkuyor ama sormaktan cekinmiyor
yani korkmuyor aslinda
arkadaslarima gelince yeni yerleri ya onlarla kesfedecegim
ya da onlarin oldugu yere gidecegim
artik tek basima hayatimi surdurme zamani bitiyor

izole degildim, sadece paylasma hissi cok yogunlasti
nerde kalirsam kalayim

insanlar

2010-10-26T16:38:00.004+03:00

dunyada cok insan var. ne kadar cok insan varmis. facebook'ta tandigin insanlar, ve facebook'ta olmayan arkadaslar. cok insan var diyorum kendi kendime bu aralar. bunu da dedigim zamanlar kalabalik ortamlarda buluyorum kendimi tabii ki, ama o kalabalikta tanidigm insanlar var. dusunuyorum herkesin hayatlari farkli, istedikleri farkli, gordukleri yasadiklari farkli, ve hep beraber yasiyoruz. inanamiyorum buna. bunca ruh, bunca fikir, ne kadar guzel bir dunya olabilirdik ama neler neler yapiyoruz zamanimizla. daha farkinda olsak, daha fazla gulsek, daha az sacmalasak, daha sabirli olsak. insan olmak kolay degil biliyorum ve hep beraber yasamak hic kolay degil. belki sadece biraz yorgunum.

one of my favorite moments

2010-10-25T11:43:00.004+03:00

i love porches. i wish we had them in Turkey. we have balconies here. during my southern visit morning tea and chat on the porch was dreamy. mornings with erica and will on the porch was just not enough.

a few snaps from my american story

2010-10-22T14:27:00.003+03:00

alan huffman- the pig roast-er
danny the boxer
will the singer and potter
chandelle the yogini
mohd. ali my high school buddy

jet lag hayatimdan cikti

2010-10-13T10:37:00.004+03:00

amerika seyahatlerim uzun ve yorucu olabiliyor. yakin arkadaslarim her bir tarafta, abim kuzey dogu ucta, olmak istedigim yer guney'in icinde. lojistik anlamda bu sefer havalimanlarda ve yollarda gecti. okuyamadigim kitaplari okuyabildim. ve de bir sey anladim: seyahat ettigim zaman cok daha sakin bir insan oluyorum. yani hersey belli ise. eger 24 saat rotar olacak deniliyorsa tam yoginiyim ama iste her yarim saatte bir rotar saati yenileniyorsa ve baglantilar resmin icindeyse o zaman seytanlarim yanima oturmaya geliyor. yanimda arkadasim varsa uzun seyahatlerde guzel geciyor ne aksilik yasanirsa yasansin.

neyse ben bu seyahatlerde yoginiydim. planlar surekli degisiyordu ve hayatimi ona gore uydurmam gerekti, bunda zorluk cikartmadim. degisiklikler esnasinda da bir cok goremeyecegim arkadaslari gorebildim, planimda olmayacagim yerlerde buldum kendimi.

tatilin ortasinda da ben kendimi tatilde olmadigimi hissettim. bu his neden var sordugumda kendime tepeden bir isik belirledi ve bana dedi..yok saka saka. anladim ki amerika benim evim ve evinde oldugun zaman kendini rahat hissediyorsun. 9 sene sonra bunu farkina varmak guzel bir duyguydu.

saatlere yeniden uyum saglamak zaman aldi bu sefer. vucudum degisiyor. neyse jet lag bitti ve resimler geldikce blog'a yazmaya ve amerika'yi anlatmaya devam edecegim.

the american experience

2010-09-28T17:08:00.003+03:00

it's been non-stop travelling. and the thing is i have come to the conclusion that i love being in this tight schedule which leads to exhaustion with a hint of exhilaration. here's a snapshot: to alan's and staying at his marvellous antebellum house, meeting up with my camp buddies, going out to natchez, going to a book reading with alan to the delta, flying out to maine and watching the leaves turn, getting on this awesome gadget called the power wing which my nephew is obsessed with, getting picked up by my high school friend i haven't seen since 1993, driving with him from atlanta to nashville, reuniting with my yogini friend chandelle.

it was a packed schedule. i am breathing in nashville. giving a yoga class today, going for an astrological reading tomorrow, driving out to mississippi day after via graceland. en-route to the pig roast. my traveliing comes to an complete circle at alan's. my path somehow always leads to alan and the south.

i love the south.

soon in the south

2010-09-14T10:19:00.003+03:00

i will be in the south. deep south with alan, chan, my camp buddies, hopefully folks from my luther days, a weekend with my family. it will be a much needed change of country. no complaints. i just need a break from istanbul and the constant shuffling. there will be some extreme shuffling and socializing in the US no doubt. but i have missed my friends on the other side of the ocean. i don't know what it is with me and south but the clashes within the stets, the rivers and climate, people driving trucks and not cars, just makes it all an interesting kind of funny.

360° zaman tuneli

2010-09-07T09:59:00.003+03:00

once bilet abimle alamamistik. abim 25 senelik fan club uyesi ve biletler satisa cikmadan 3 gun once kendisi alabiliyor. biletix izin vermedi. alamadi. benimde hevesim kacti. oteli, abimin gelisini, birlikte U2'yu seyredecegiz hayallerimiz yikildi. kolay olacaksa gidilir dedim. bunu mucadele haline donusturmeyecegim. biletix'te saha sold out ve tribunlerdeki yerler sacma bir para. ama U2 afislerini izliyorum. bu kadar yakinken gitmemek tuhaf irem dedim. tuhaf. amerika'da kac sefer izledin, kendi memleketine geliyorlar ve istedigin de buydu, turkiye'ye bir gun gelecekler dedin ve iste oldu. sonra konsere 3 gun kala kargoda 2 tane hediye bilet geldi. ellerim filan titredi, gozlerim bugulandi ve dondum.

emineyle gittik. 3 defa tribunlerden seyrettim ve kendimi onlardan kesilmis hissediyordum hep. U2'yu gormeyeli 9 sene olmus, sahada olmak kadar guzel birsey yok. neyse emineyle kanyon'da bulusttuk, eren'le bir sigara ictiler ve dolmusa bindik. zincirlikuyu'dan yenibosna'ya geldik. biraz deodorantsiz bir hava vardi anlican. herkes heryerde, metrobus yollarinda yuruyor herkes filan. biz kactik oralardan manav bize minibus gosterdi, stad'a gider dedi ve bindik.

turkiye'nin en yavas dolmusuydu. dolmuslar federasyonu bence o dolmusu copluge filan atmali. aydinlikken binmistik, hava kararmis ve halen yoldayiz. bebekler, cingeneler, anneler, amcalar, bir kac tane U2cular, bi de U2cu olanlar ama gitmeyenler. bi de sagar sofor. yagmur da yagmaya basladi. eh iyi pozitif taraflarina bakalim...bu karanlik koyde yalniz degiliz en azindan. meydan'dan inip yurursunuz denildi. peki. birakildik. meydan dedikler bir bakal ve bir firinci. isik yok. stad nerde? aha stad 4 km otede, isikli tepesi gorunuyor. durum parlak degil.

emine gofret cikarti onu yedik. dusunelim. bir cift yanimizda, kizcagiz usuyor. kocasi cozum ariyor. taksi yok, iftar vakti, kamyonculara mi otostop yapsak diye dusunuyorum. 15 dakika sonra bunlari dusunurken bir araba yanasti stad nerde sordu. emine demez mi "bizi goturursen hep birlikte buluruz". emine yikiliyor ya. pazarliga bak. bindik vinn bastik ve 6 kisi stad'a gitme eylemine girdik. bir yerlerden ciktik ve girilmez yere gelmis olduk. giremezsiniz denildi, sofor cocuk nasil bunalmis, "bana ne" deyip girdi ve bir kac bin kisi ordan giriyor, araba park yerleri duzgun filan. basin'in girdigi yermis ve bu da sonucta bir girismis. bu arada sadece tek bir giris kullaniliyormus. ne sacma. 80,000 kapasiteli stad ve sadece tek giris kullanilacak. toplanti masasinda nasil kararlar verilyor? "evet 40,000 bilet satilmis arkadaslar, 15% arabayla gelecek, tek bir giris kullanilsin", bu mu deniliyor?

girdik, tas toprak, camur, yagmur serpistiriyor. emineyle sahada yerimizi bulduk. sahne muthis, bir uzay gemisi. baya baya uzay gemisi. snow patrol geldi. gun icinde onlari dinlemistim, cok sevdim. sarkici cocuk nasil sevimli ve guler yuzlu. hemen asik oldum. hemen. kirmizi gomlek, beyaz kravat giymis. yavrum. lubnanli, slovaklar, bir cok yerlerden farkli diller yagiyor. 8000 bilet yurtdisina satilmis. hos. snow patrol bitince U2 heyecani 1 saat daha kaynadi ve sonunda ciktilar.

1997'den beri yasadiklarim gozumun onunden bi gecti ve gecti. her sarki onlarla soyledim, agladim, bagirdim, zipladim, boynum yukari baka baka yoruldu ama durmadim, manyaklar gibi guldum, her sarkida sok oldum bunu da soyluyorlar diye...emine yanima cool cool takiliyor dans ediyor, gecmek isteyenleri birlikte civi gibi durup kimildamiyoruz. arkamda bir tip surekli arkami durtuyordu sonra bagirarak fisildadi "dengem bozulyor tutunuyorum bazen" dedi. arkadasinda erkek arkadasi. ona niye tutunmuyorsun sormak istedim ama konusacak vakit yoktu. U2 ile vakit cok degerli.

son sarkilarinda yavas yavas cikmaya basladik. arkadaslarimizin arabasina gittik bulusttuk, herkes ayni anda konusuyor, sucu soruyor "zulfu cikti mi?" cikti dedik cikti. turkiye'ye selami var dedim icimden. bindik arabaya heyecan yuksek, otopark'tan ciktik ve yola donerken araba bi darbe yedi. kafam tavana filan vurdu, soktayim. ciktik. park gorevlilileri hatali yonlendirmeden dolayi arabayi cukurlu seride yonlendirmis. arabanin on tekerlekleri cukurda. 6 kisi onden tuttu, gaza basildi ve araba cikti. biz usluca bindik ve gittik. neydi o filan oldum. ne oldu biraz once?

hersey o kadar hizli gelisiyordu ki. anlik yasamalar. U2'nun verdigi sersemligi ve zihin bosalmasi sabaha kadar devam etti. sanki eski resimlere bakiyorum da yorum yapiyorum gibi. zaman tuneli gibi.

U2 ile yasamak

2010-09-06T17:19:00.003+03:00

10 yasimdaydim. U2 hayatima girdi ve sonrada cikamadi. izin vermedim acikcasi. hayatimdaki donum noktalarinda yanimdalardi. ve ne sansliydim ki bir kac kez konserlerinde onlarla birlikte sarkilarini soyleme firsatim oldu.

1997: pop
2000: elevation
2001: elevation 2. tur
2010: 360°

ilki mezun olacaktim, korku doluydum
ikincisi kos koca kamp dunyasindan farkli bir ise ve sehre tasiniyordum
ucuncusu amerika'yi terk ediyordum

ee simdi? farkli bir bakis acinsina adim attim da daha kelimelerle ifade edemiyorum. zamanla hayatimda degisik bir noktada oldugumu anlayacagim ve anlatacagim.

ve de binlerce insan gibi bu aksam hep birlikte olmak beni o kadar heyecanlandiriyor ki. bunun gibi toplumlari birlestiren U2'ya selamlarimi iletiyorum. turkiyemize hosgeldin U2!

tango

2010-09-02T14:54:00.004+03:00

tango is not a macho dance. there is more communication happening during a 4 minute dance than in a 4 month relationship. all the dancing i have done has brought me closer to facing my fears in loving, being loved, giving and receiving, and making each step count. quite a bit of yogic action involved actually.

sea kayaking in the aegean

2010-08-31T12:26:00.004+03:00

it's going to be cliche but seriously we live in an amazing country. put aside the politics because it is not pretty, the countryside, the coast line and the seasons here are awe-inspiring. we kayaked from datca to selimiye, around some islands, totalling around 55 some kms in 3 days. having done an average of 18 kms per day, a background of wilderness camping with kids sent from juvenile justice etc, this trip was still not easy.

i am afraid i have gotten used to urban living and the maintenance that comes with it. buttt i got used to not looking at myself in the mirror after the end of day 1. pretty quick i'd say. i was kinda surprised to see myself in the mirror of the airport when flying back to istanbul.

how lovely to not have to think about myself for a bit. it was great to be physically exhausted for once, the mental exhaustion gets me real cranky. watching falling stars, the swish of the sea during dream sleep beats any day in the city. any day.

being a woman

2010-08-20T09:56:00.004+03:00

it's not easy being a woman, or becoming a woman. what does it take to be one has been on my mind for ages now. there is this underlying flow of consciousness that to be a mother is to be a woman, to be vulnerable is to be a woman. i have been juggling all these concepts for years now and all i can say is that roles exist but it does not define us.

i think i have learned more about how it feels to be a woman in turkey than in any other country probably because i started living here after the age of 26. set aside how women are treated in turkey from the stares on buses to rudeness in cues to how media portrays crying mothers and half naked models; we are living in an age of extremes. a woman with a consciousness of her self- worth to me is a woman. my mother is my role model in this case. she neither denies or accepts the roles that are pressed down upon us in our cultures, she defines her own rules of conduct and behaviour that do not offend or disturb anyone in her area of circumference. her independence is her own to take responsibility for and she compares herself not to others but whether she is living her own standards and the values she calls her own.

she is like spring water, she flows and makes an impression. and nothing stops her from doing anything she wants to do.

reflections

2010-08-13T14:15:00.006+03:00

i have crises once every 6 months i think. this year i have had 2 in 2 months. last month it was in luxembourg.

i went to tango class yesterday and had an identity crisis somewhere between a gancho and a pivot. i saw myself so clearly. i saw the same mistakes (i had repeated them yet again) and knew not to do but still out of habit did. every step had to be given space to be experienced, every step was the end of one and the beginning of another. what was this rush i asked myself. what was this feeling of running i have living as though time was short and there was not enough of it. i saw myself so clearly and i knew something had to change.

sometimes

2010-08-11T15:37:00.004+03:00

i want to leave...well everything
things make more sense than other days
friends are what keeps me together
chocolate is my jesus
i wish i didn't need anything
my mind is seriously full
i cry for absolutely no obvious reason
i have wondered how people do what everyone calls living
i think about moving yet again
i want to see the light and come back
i don't know much
i need to say "i don't know" simply and with confidence
i want to forget
cooking for someone is fun
a breeze on a hot day (with ice cream) completes the moment
airports just make me sick (but flying doesn't)
showers don't help

su anda ve her zaman

2010-08-06T14:08:00.002+03:00

ruzgari ne kadar sevdigimi hatirlatan motor istiyorum.
iyi ki 4 yasindayken okula motorla gitmisim gelmisim. iyi ki sonradan kesfettigim bir mutluluk degil!

kedilerin "basildik" bakisi

2010-08-06T11:45:00.004+03:00

bunu burcu gecen gece bogaz'da yururken soyledi. o kadar dogruydu ki! ne bu istanbul'un kedilerin hali. coplukteyken, duvardayken, yolun kenarindayken biz yuruyup gecerken birden kedilerin hepsi (hic biri kasar filan degildi) donup siddetli bir sekilde izliyorlardi. basildik bakisi.

burcu bunu en iyi tarif etmis oldu.

yani burcu'yu anlatmak kolay ama zor da. tanimak icin tanismak gerekiyor. hep enerji doludur, kafasi yaratmaya hedeflenmis ve kitlenmis, zihni acik olan nadir insanlardan ve taklitleri cok basarili. bunun icin zaten keskin zeka gerek. beni taklit edenlerde azdir ha. yapmak icinde iste kisiyi iyi tanimak gerekiyor ya... burcu yaptiginda baya kopmustum.

kisa bir sure icinde bir cok hikayelerimiz oldu. yogada fisildamak olsun, sokagin kenarindaki pizzacida sanat olusumun surecini anlatmasi, hayatimizin hangi yone akiyor teorilerimiz, park'ta bezmek, herkesle dalga gecmek, hepsi burcu'nun gozlerinin isildamasi ve hayati ne kadar cok sevdigini surekli herkesle paylasmasi hayranlikla izledim. dunyayi dolasmis ve istanbul'da iste. tasindigi yerlere kaktusunu goturen, kitaplarini bir raf degil cam kenarina yerlestirmeye seven, sokak kedisini evde ve disarda ozgur bir sekilde yasamasini saglayan, duvarlarina resim cizen bir deli iste.

avrupa'dan istanbul'a donus

2010-07-30T15:06:00.003+03:00

2 hafta istanbul'dan uzak kalmak kolay degilmis. tamam cok gezdim, fransizca ogrendim, avrupa'nin en zengin sehirlerinde yasamak nasilmis hissettim. ama istanbul'un heyecani hic bir yerde yok. bana gore en azindan. rahat yerler- luxembourg, belcika, fransa. ve keyif almanin degisik bir duygusunu hissetmis oldum. mucadele yok.

yani yoldaki gecen yaya baya onemli. beynim nasil islemis...emin olmak icin soforlerin gozlerinin icine baka baka geciyordum ilk gunlerde. otobus soforleri herkes oturduktan sonra yoluna devam ediyordu. paris'te luxembourg'ta soforlerle el sallamalar sohbetler iltifatlar. nazik insanlar daha fazla gibi..

istanbul'a dondugumde neler hissedecegim dort gozle bekliyorum. kesin olan:
bogazi gorunce icim acilacak
kendimi hamama atacagim ve sukurler olsun diyecegim
cafelerde geyik ve circir yapmak iyi gelecek
turk kahvesi icecegim
pogaca yiyecegim
uyuyacagim bolca eger becerebilirsem

a bien tot avrupacugum

being elsewhere

2010-07-28T19:00:00.003+03:00

it's not home but it's where i am for 2 weeks. it's not vacation, it's work but with friends and people i am familiar with.

it's luxembourg. i didn't even know that was a place before i started this job. and now here i am in luxembourg... the places you will go.

learning french in luxembourg where almost everyone speaks french. should be quick progress. i remembered i used to listen to tapes of french back in pakistan, when i was 10? then i tried 2 years ago 3 nights a week. and now this. it isn't an easy language- no real rules, not much of a pattern which means infinite flexibility. it's week two and i am getting used to this. thankfully my boss is french, there is no way i will be forgetting this language.

i have been out of the irem zone for 10 days now. floating is more like it. i floated on a harley in the countryside of belgium, floated through paris and floating in luxembourg. i thought taking pilates and yoga classes would bring me back to earth and it probably helped that hour before i was back to floating.

it's strange being away from home. i miss istanbul very much. i don't think i have felt connected to anyplace ever before as much as i do now.

paris sneak preview

2010-07-25T20:37:00.002+03:00

zorla kendini

2010-07-12T10:44:00.003+03:00

haftasonu agva ve sile'ye gittik. arabada sarkilar soylemek, gorduklerini paylasmak, kafa bosaltmak ve sevdiklerinle beraber olmak kendim icin yapacagim en guzel sey. sacmalarken de cikan fikirler aydin fikirler olabiliyor.

mesela bugun dedik, hayatimizda yapmadigimiz bir seyi yapmis olalim.

agva sahilinde yururuken ki baya yurumus olduk, geri donme istegi zayifti ve yagmur bulutlari bile motivasyon getirmemisti. birden ters yuruyelim dedik. saka maka 15 dakika filan sahilde ters yuruduk ve onumuzdeki manzara hep gozumuzun onundeydi. yanimizdan birileri gecti, 5 dakika sonra onlarda ters yurumeye basladilar. birbirimize bakarak uzaklasmaya basladik. ters yurumekte kolay degilmis, sanki arkaya dusuyormusum gibiydi.

enteresandi.

haftada bir hayatimizda yapmadigimiz seyler yapmaliyiz bence. bak ne kadar guzel bir ani olmus oldu...

more family moments

2010-07-06T09:29:00.002+03:00

the lightness of success and happiness

2010-07-05T14:48:00.005+03:00

it has been a year where i have not sat and evaluated much (as much as last year). i really just want to sit and watch things but it's not going to happen. i haven't allowed it actually.

so here's my plan- i will watch as i move! and hopefully i will feel lighter because seriously lightness is reachable when life just flows and the only way that can happen is to relax but in sync with movement. i mean there is fast movement and there is slow movement. like my boss had said once- if you want anything in life you have to think about time and right timing. for anything to be right these two have to be in synchrony which means one should not hurry. but that doesn't mean one should stop and wait! it's slowing down and watching it alll unfold and fall right into your lap.

so yeah i think something is finally settling into my stubborn psyche....

tiny family members

2010-06-29T16:38:00.005+03:00

i was thinking if i was this happy, intelligent, funny and transparent when i was this tiny...

genelde

2010-06-23T13:42:00.004+03:00

genelde ask icin ben artik oyle bir sey yok diyorum. her sene asik oldum (4 yasimdan beri), 30'dan sonra biraz zor galiba.
genelde kahve icerken icimden decaf icseydim hiiiic demem demedim.
genelde aileme yakinim ama lojistik anlamda hep uzak olmaya sectim. oyle yani.
genelde olumle ilgili konusmaktan hoslanirim ama cok gozumun onunde olmadigi surece.
genelde arkadaslarim saglam olur.
genelde sevgililerim kapilari ilk ay acar sonra aldirmaz.
genelde yurtdisina gittigimde donerken bavulumda yeni olan nesne ya cikolatadir ya da minik bir kupe.
genelde biri hindistan dediginde susarim ve sevmemisse icimde citcit sesler cikaririm.
genelde cep telefonum pek calmaz, caldiginda da allah allah kim ariyor diye kendime sorarim.
genelde ruhsal terapilere 5 ayda bir giderim, temizlik diyerek iste vucudumun verdigi tepkileri hayranlikla izlerim.
genelde pilates'te hocayi icimde sovuyorum, nasil birini bu kadar acitabilir?? ve sonra harika bir gobek olur?
genelde yasamak istedigim sehirde bisikletle ise gitmek isterim.
genelde ne istedigimi bilirim mesela yoga dersi, sicak cikolata, tek raki, gunlugume yazmak, bahcemi sulamak, arkadaslarla park'ta yurumek, hindistan ve guney amerika'yi dolasmak. onun disinda ne istedigimi bilemeyebilirim.
genelde ilk once sinir olurum sonra sinirlenirim ama artik onuda hemen dile getirmiyorum ki bu cok iyi bir gelisme. sukurler olsun bisi ogrendik!
genelde yagmuru severim ama cama sanki biri surekli vuruyormus gibi olunca uyuyamiyorum.
genelde resimdeki yuz ifadesiyle dolasirim. ama cogu zaman baya gulerim (gulumseme degil).

rome in perspective

2010-06-16T09:19:00.008+03:00

all i did was look up in rome. a fantastic city on foot, on bicycle or on a vespa just like audrey hepburn in the "roman holiday". so glad there were fountains everywhere. makes a space refreshing and exciting. i decided that wherever i may live in the future i am going to have a fountain in a little garden with turtles swimming in it.

shahbaz'in hayatima kattiklari

2010-05-31T11:29:00.002+03:00

en sevdigin patronunu kaybettiginde insan neler hisseder onu mayis'in ilk haftasinda hissettim. IFC'den ulke yoneticisi izmir'de araba kazasinda kaybettik. ve kac haftadir aklimda. belki 5 kez filan tokalasmissizdir, bir is partisinde, bir restoranda, kanyon'da dukkanlari gezerken filan. hep ve hep efendi, sakin gulumsemesi, gozlerin icine bakip nasilsin derdi, ve senin kim oldugunu bilirdi. her hafta binlerce insanla tanisan tokalasan insan tanisitiklarini tanirdi.

onun olum haberi tango dersime gitmeden once aldim. eren'in buyuk patronuydu. telefonu kapadim ve agladim. kendi patronuma haber verdim. tangoya gittim ama ne yaptigimi pek hatirlayamiyorum. onun kaybi benim kendi hayatimda kaybedeceklerimi hatirlatti ilk olarak, sonra da var olanlarin kiymetini. sevdiklerine sevdigini soylemek, tesekkurlerini iletmek, ozur dilemeyi unutmamak, hepsi hayatimizda ne kadar onemli oldugunu ve bir insanin degerini yuzbinlerce sekilde iletebilmeyi hatirlatti.

istanbul'da bulutlu gunler

2010-05-27T10:07:00.001+03:00

burning sage

2010-05-24T11:04:00.003+03:00

each time i clean, i burn sage. the native americans knew something good and they were smart to have passed it along. it's a shamanistic tradition and it is a ritual that has become an integral part of my life. especially if i feel tired or rundown...

take a bowl or an ashtray, break up a few stalks of dried sage that you can get from an organic store or bazaar and burn it a bit. the smoke needs to be fanned starting from the main door of the house and trailed along in a clockwise direction as you walk from one room to another. corners like to get smoked out, they don't get much attention you see...

the other thing you need to give more attention to is yourself. i put the smoking sage between my feet and smoke myself out. cleans the aura. and then i take a power nap because the cleansed aura needs to get used to it being clean you know. and a nap can't hurt.

candle gazing and revelations

2010-05-21T15:27:00.002+03:00

i have been doing quite a bit of candle gazing with my yoga students. it's a cleansing technique but also one where things that you had not been aware of kind of get revealed to you. the more one does the exercise the more there is to process the information coming at you.

that's the kind of week i have been having.

cok fazla seyler yasaniyor

2010-05-07T09:35:00.002+03:00

haberimiz yok, gun icinde o kadar fazla yasamisiz ki...gunlugume bi yazmaya basliyorum, hissettiklerim bir kenara gorduklerim, konusttuklarim, paylastigim binlerce sey olmus. dun deepak chopra okurken agladim. ayurveda gurulari dermis ki senin hissettiklerin vucuduna ve evrenin enerjisine oyle bagli ki, etkilenmemesi imkansiz.

patron yok, ofiste tek olmama ragmen giden gelen cok oluyor. toplantim vardi biriyle. ilk defa tanisyorduk ve 5 dakika icinde masamin arkadasindaki fotograflarima bakip elestirmeye basladi- burayi kes, sunu karanlik yaparsan, bu olmamis, sunun focus yok. yani anlamadim. kimsiniz siz diye agzimdan cikmis. fotograf egitmeniymis is sonrasi. asilan fotolarima bakinca benim tarzim hic degil ve serginiz olsa gelmem dedi. sonra da dalistan bahsetti.

soktaydim. dusunuyorum da...sok oldugumda pek bi mulayim ve herseyi oldugu gibi kabul etme moda geciyorum. 5 saat sonra allahim ne oldu o 20 dakika icinde videoyu geri sariyorum.

herkesin sevgiye, saygiya ihtiyaci var. herkesin. asagidaki guvenlik bana uyanmadik daha galiba dediginde de mutlu oluyorum. ilgi sonucta.

merkezim nerde

2010-04-29T15:46:00.004+03:00

bazen kendimi taniyamiyorum, herhalde is hayati, istanbul kosusturmalari, sehrin verdigi ayakta kalma enerjisi ve surekli harekette bulunmak, ben kim oldugumu unutuyorum. ya da kimligimi cozmek icin bu kadar cok farkli seyler yapiyorum. doruk noktasi gecen hafta geldi ve kendimi silkelemek icin rafting yapmaya karar verdim. melen cayi. soguk su, kopuklu sulardan gecmek, yuzmek, koylerde dolasmak, yeni insanlari tanimak. nasil rahatladim. 15 derecelik suya atladim, kopuklu sularin uzerinden gecerken gulme krizleri tuttu, vraklayan yaratiklar simdi ismini unuttum gormek icimi acti.

ertesi gun egeyle edirne'ye gittim. selimiye camii, beyazid'in hastanesi, kervansaray filan, belediye'nin sunumu, grupta sehir planlamacilar, mimarlar, koruma dernek uyeleri, bilgi dolu bir beyinle istanbul'a dondum.

ozumde tek yerde kalmak beni merkezimden uzaklastiriyor. demek bana dolasmak iyi geliyor. patronum pazartesi beni gordugunde "irem geri donmus" dedi.

a weekend away away

2010-04-27T13:44:00.001+03:00

ashy life

2010-04-19T10:43:00.004+03:00

it's not easy being positive these days. the number of natural disasters that effect us at such a global level has increased this year more than ever before. i have only thirty some years to look back at... but with Lufthansa losing 25m Euros a day, 6.8m passengers stranded and 136m Euros lost in total in a few days, airlines and airports are beginning to declare bankruptcy. there is some serious complaining going on by nature as my energetic friend burcu said yesterday. with the acid rain effecting crops and animals, all this has not just effected my mood it has effected my entire perspective on my lifestyle. so ok i am a vegetarian, i live minimally or try to, using environmentally friendly products to be a contributing member of society, using public transportation instead of owning a car...maybe i should think about growing my own vegetables...maybe do more and more yoga to not have to depend on bodily needs as much as i do...i have gotten tired of doing the same things you know...eat, pee and poop. like john maxwell says "you have to live everyday and that isn't easy". and it isn't going to get any easier.

quakes

2010-04-16T13:40:00.001+03:00

one earthquake after another. it leaves me speechless. healing to everyone.
it is just hard to swallow the truth that the earth is changing and we have to change our own ways to make it a place we can continue to live in.

testamonials

2010-04-13T15:41:00.002+03:00

Irem's yoga classes are inspiring because of her happy energy. She gives suggestions for pose modification so all levels can join in. Her explanations of yoga theory and reasons for breathing techniques and poses are helpful in integrating them into life outside of class. I very much enjoy the weekly classes.

SN

ortak bilinc

2010-04-12T14:58:00.003+03:00

cumartesi sabahi icimden dedim bugun cicekleri sulayim, bir kova ve tasla yapayim bu isi cunku yagmur persembe gunu yagacak. disari ciktim, modada yuruduk kikirikukuri gulduk dolasttik ve dondum. cayimi yaptim ve penceremden bi baktim, amcanin biri kova ve tasla cicekleri teker teker suluyor. actim pencereyi sordum sagolun, kimsiniz. 16 numaradayim dedi, cicekler aksam suyunu sever dedi....

besiktas belediyesi

2010-04-09T10:50:00.004+03:00

besiktas belediyesi'ne cok mektup yazdim. iste onumdeki minik bahceye, kaldirimin yanindaki yani, oraya bakarmisiniz, iste bahcelik toprak koyarmisiniz, bir kac dayanikli bitki dikermisiniz, kaldirim kac haftadir kirik dokuk onarirmisiniz, alt gecit pislik icinde cop kutusu koyarmisniz falandi filandi. baya proje yuruttuk. en son kisisel projem cicek dikmekti ki bunu besiktas'a sormadim cunku park ve bahceler mudurlugu diyecekti- o kucuk bahce dediginiz sey belediye'nin sorumlulugu degil. peki. mahalle cicekci ile toplanti yaptim, cicekler secildi, gecen haftasonu diktik beraber. belediye atiklari topladi sagolsun.

bu sabah perdelerimi acarken belediye'nin temizlikci elemani bahcemin otlarini yolarken gordum. hemen saklandim. anin buyusunu bozmak istemedim...

spring is here- but not in the evenings

2010-04-05T10:15:00.004+03:00

what a lovely weekend. the sun was out, there was a cool breeze and you heard the birds louder than usual (or maybe i heard them for the first time since last summer). in the afternoon my florist came over with flowers to plant for my tiny garden and the neighborhood tortie cat kept us company. new plants, fresh soil, weeds out, plants looking weary now perked up...it looks dandy.

then off i went to galata to see old friends from far and near, after some tea we ate at kivan which was absolutely yummy. just my type of food. lots of vegetarian options and cheeky but friendly waiters. from there we walked down to sishane and sat at a cafe called pictures and stories where we decided to take care of emel's baby kumpir in buyukada during the 23rd april long weekend. 4 women and one kumpir. it should be a good story.

sunday i walked in yildiz park with one of yoga students for a bit. it is relieving to see people going to parks instead of malls but when there are sooo many people it becomes a pain. there is absolutely no place left to sit...anywhere. that's when i start thinking about how there should be more parks or less people and neither is going to be happening very soon, which is when i start thinking about simply walking away.

dans dans dans

2010-03-29T16:10:00.003+03:00

bu haftasonu cumartesi 3.5 saat dans etmisim. sonrada saatler ileriye alindi, neden yandan yedim diye dusunmemem gerek. tango olsun, 80'ler olsun, dirk'in soul muzik gecesi olsun dans etmek iyi geliyor. bir noktadan sonra dusunmek bile zor geliyor.

iste o yogadir.

2010-03-24T10:21:00.001+02:00

Yoga with Irem an oasis in a busy work week! It is great to see a group of teachers enter the class with all kinds of stress and nervous energy and leave with relaxed smiles on their faces. Aside from better flexibility, less stress and improved fitness levels, I have also had significantly less problems with cold/sinus issues this year. I think the breathing that we do at the beginning and end of class has made a big difference. Irem is just a great teacher, she started the class 6 months ago with both practiced and new yoga students at a level that was comfortable to everyone. She has slowly introduced us to more challenging poses and breathing in a way that was not at all overwhelming. At the beginning we could barely do 10 sun salutations and now we plan to do 40 sun salutations next week.

EE

snow in istanbul

2010-03-18T11:02:00.001+02:00

yoga yapmak

2010-03-10T16:50:00.003+02:00

sabah yogasi en zoru ama en guzeli. yola cikmadan once yoga yapinca ne ayaklarim sisiyor ne de metabolizmam alt ust oluyor. ve de kafa...kafa huzurlu oluyor. her sabah 10 dk yoga yapmak, bir kac tane hareket bile genel bi IYI hissettiriyor.

necmi usta and his harem

2010-03-09T10:24:00.006+02:00

yesterday was a rainy day...and cold. but i had decided to go to necmi usta with dirk so nothing could change my plans. i didn't know the exact street in tarlabasi but i knew the angle the street was at from the tango class window...dirk had googled his telephone number just in case.

we entered the street and almost immediately without even asking there were men pointing us in the direction of "dancing shoes". it was in a dilapitated building, narrow and steep stairs, a shot out of a horror flick perhaps...necmi usta was on the top most floor. it was relatively empty, with only one other woman waiting. i happened to comment on it and necmi quickly said there might be a lot of women coming very very soon. a few minutes later the shop was full...of women excited about shoes.

my mom got her shoes made in pakistan. she would choose the leather, mostly snake skin, the model and the heel, a few weeks later it would be ready. necmi's shoes takes 2 months. he makes 200 shoes a week. he has 4 guys working in his shop, god knows until what hour. there were shoes against the wall, shoes in boxes, shoes on the desk, materials for shoes, heels hanging out on the floor, pictures of tango dancers, film posters...it was a sensory experience and there was glue in the air.

it took me a while to choose and when i did it took him a while to come to me and take the order. he tested the tightness of the shoe around my toes, we discussed the heel and its colour. serious business.

when he was jotting down notes for my order i realised i had ordered the same type of shoes my mother used to have made decades ago- patent leather and snake skin..except this one was going to have a glittery silver heel.

tangoya alisan parmaklar

2010-02-23T14:16:00.002+02:00

tango derslerine yine baslamis oldum. ne ileriye gidebiliyordum, ne de geriye. ortada duduk gibi kalinca artik yeter dedim kendime. gancho, secada, lapis, cart curt kelimeler ruyalarima girmeye basladi. ayak parmaklarimin alti agriyor, bacaklarimin arkasi bi tuhaf ama en guzel haber, bel inceltiyor. bu kadar basit. tango yap, karsina donduren bir partner cikinca yaptigin tek sey etrafinda donmen oluyor, dondukce ne kadar mesafe katettigini de farketmiyorsun. onemli olan sey yukari bakmak, asagi baktigin an basin doner. cocukken donmeye severdim nedense. basimin donmesi beni yere yatmami zorlardi ki bunda eglenceli olan nedir anlamis degilim.

neyse!

tango ayakkabilarimin durumu pek iyi ama bu necmi ustayi cok merak ediyorum acikcasi. tarlabasinda bir usta, haftada 200 cift ayakkabi yapip buenos aires'e gonderiyormus, CNN Turk'te filan cikmis...dukkan hep kadinlarla doluymus, sececek model yuzlerce...adam bir efsane gibi. gelecek hafta ona gidiyorum kesin.

McQueen is dead!

2010-02-15T14:27:00.002+02:00

i can't believe it. committed suicide. i really enjoyed his work- the cuts, the jazzy lines within the material, the concept of his shows...goddang it! 11 stores and one is in istanbul. now what?

tekel'in hanimi hulya

2010-02-10T09:48:00.004+02:00

baglarbasi'nda tekel bir bakkal dukkani, onunde masada, hep bir kac kisi, kahkahalar, gelen gidenlerle sohbet, kedilere mama, kayip kedileri evlerine kavusmak icin yardim eli uzatan, hep guler yuzlu, hulya.

scott ve crystal ondan kolalarini, cikolatalarini (aslinda benim icin aliyorlar), sut filan hulya'dan alirlar. ve her zaman hulya scott ve crystal'a ne diyorsa guldurup eve postalar. hulya onlari eve yemege davet etti. scottlar beni de cagirdilar, tercumanlik yapacaktim.

hamsi, cig kofte, baklava ve raki. menu basit ve ayni zamanda bol. hulya hanim'in hayat hikayesi zorluklarla dolu ama yinede "bu benim secimimdi, ve bunu yasadim" diyen guclu bir karakter. 16 yasinda evlendirilmis, kizi dogmus, esi calismiyor, fabrikada calismis, esinden ayrilmis, 21 yasinda yeniden evlenmis, oglu olmus, es yine calismayan biri, 13 sene sonra onu da bosamis, o arada ingilizce kursu veren okulda asistanlik yapmis, liseyi acik ogretimde bitirmis, 2 sene once tekel dukkanini acmis ve 2 sene orda kalmis. daha eve yeni cikmis.

baya dolu bir hayat. scott ve crystal'i evine davet etmesi, simdi bir sevgilisi var ve kesinlikle evlenmek istemiyor, "boga burcuyum ve ozgurlugumu seviyorum" diyen bir kadinla tanismak benim pazar aksamimi parlatti.

ditditt

2010-02-08T16:13:00.002+02:00

haftasonu cok guzel gecti. surekli arkadaslarla disarlardaydik. gulmekten baska pek birsey yapmadik.

arkadasimiz baran istanbul'un en guzel yerlerinde kaliyor. muzisyen olmakla birlikte grafikci ve ankarali. istanbul'da cok ankarali var bu arada. gecen hafta on kapinin ditdiit sesi butun gun devam etmis ve hic susmamis. evden calistigi icin sakinlik oluyormus ondan surekli bu ditdiiit sesleri cildirtmis cocugu. bir kac gun boyle devam etmis. artik dayanamayip guvenligi aramis, kapi bozuldu mu diye. guvenlikte baran'a demis ki o da delirdikten sonra arastirmis. alt komsu yeni bir papagan almis ve evde tabii ki hic kimse yokmus gun icinde. kus napsin yalnizliginda kapi sesini sevmis ve ditdiit otuyormus.

yani istanbul ben sasirtmaya devam ediyor. gercekten.

ucgen bir hikaye

2010-02-04T10:31:00.004+02:00

kis 2007- ankara'ya donerken otobus duraginda beklerken amerikali ama super turkce konusan jeremy ile tanistim. istanbul'da 2 senedir yasiyordu, tanistigimizda ankara'da tezi icin arastirma yapmaya gidiyordu. her istanbul'a gelisimde ya da onun ankara'ya gelisinde bulusuyorduk. ben istanbul'a geldim, o da amerika'ya dondu. antropoloji uzerinde arastirmalari vardi, ortakoy'de evine donerken evinin yandigini izledi, istiklal'de yuruyuslere katilirdi ve her cesit arkadasi vardi. bende onlarda biriydim. enteresan bir kisi.

sikago'ya dondugunde uzulmustum ama yazilariyla iliskimizi canli tuttu. yazilarini o kadar begenmistim ki mississippi'deki yakin arkadasim alan'a gonderiyordum. alan'in son kitabi cikmadan once karar aldi, senenin buyuk bir kismini new york'ta gecirecekti, cunku new york'taki hayat mississippi'den dunyalar kadar fark oldugu icin cok daha fazla hikaye cikar diye dusundu. ve new york'a bayiliyor tabii.

o aralarda jeremy istanbul'a geldi. new york'ta associate professor icin bir teklif gelebilir dedi. olacagina o kadar inandim ki bir kac ay sonra new york'a tasinacagina dair email atti.

gecenlerde alan haber verdi: new york'ta bir ev partisine gittim dedi. jeremy'nin ev partisiymis megersem! insanlar jeremy'i nasil taniyorsun sordugunda "tanimiyorum, istanbul'da ortak bir arkadasimiz var" demis.

kar

2010-01-25T11:12:00.003+02:00

evim sokaga yakin oldugu icin insanlarin karda yurumeye calistigini, garc garc seslerini isitiyordum tum pazar gunu. cumartesi arnavutkoy'de tepeden inen kari eren'le izledik. bogaz'in rengi soguk bir maviden griye sonra da buzlu siyaha dondu. hersey cok sessiz ve huzurluydu. sokaklarda kedi yoktu. kopekler kar topu oynayan cocuklari izliyordu. kar bana gore degil o bir gercek. ama baaazen severim.

kari ne zaman severim:

icerdeyken sicak cikolatamla birlikte
ilk ilk yagidiginda
aksamustu gece yagidinda
gunduz yagdiginda ve hemen sonra gunes actiginda
parkta yokus asagi kaydigimda sonra banyo yaptigimda

simdi bu sartlarda hep olmuyor. su anda icerdeyim ve izliyorum. su anda kari seviyorum. (allahim lutfen ruzgar olmasin eve gitmek istiyorum bugun...)

puantiyeli kis

2010-01-19T09:47:00.003+02:00

oohh bu kis yumusak gececek derken yagmur geldi, ruzgari yaninda getirdi ve soguk dislanmamasi icin "hadi sen de gel" dediler.

ne deyim, yani mutlu eden tek sey yagmura cikmadan once puantiyeli semsiyemi yanimda almak oluyor. puantiyeli desen olunca nedense icim hafiften kipiriyor. yoksa zor olacakti.

the moroccan route- notes

2010-01-07T09:48:00.007+02:00

a total of 8 days.

flew into casablanca and took the train to fes from the airport. 5 hours. women on train feared for our lives because our pension was in the medina. pension sekaya. i was not worried because the reviews were fine, and it was recommended. the locals just prefer not to be in the medina after 8 pm. we got to fes and it was raining- wet and cold. the medina streets were ghostly and dark. a guide to help us get to the pension (http://riadsekaya.blogspot.com/2008/11/au-coeur-de-lancienne-mdina-de-fes-la.html).

the moroccans do not believe in heating. they figure it is harmful to their bodies to go from differing temperatures so might as well dress appropriately and not deal with heating. pension sekaya had no heat but hot water (thankfully). an old riad restored nicely and in a quietr part of the medina. needless to say wherever we were there was always the ezan to wake us up at 05.30 in the morning.

a stormy rainy day in fez. we surviced and still walked the souks and found our pension. found a taxi driver that became our guide for fez. at 21.00 we hopped on a bus to er-rechadia that would bring us close to merzouga. 8 hours through the atlas and down to the desert. no heat. at some point all the tourists in the bus were freezing except for the locals. i asked if there was heat and there was! the last 3 hours of our journey was spent in ecstasy and delirium. we reached er- rechadia at 5.00 am and walked over to the grand taxi stand that would take us to rissani- 30 minutes from merzouga. the grand taxis are white old mercedes that takes 6 people wherever. women always sit in the front with the driver. while we were waiting this guy tried to convince us that the grand taxis will not be going to rissani until next morning and that he would take us to merzouga for 10,000 dirhams. riiiight. we looked homeless and he tried to rip us off for 1000 Euros... didn't make sense. a half hour later we were in the grand taxi heading into pitch darkness to rissani where we watched the sun rising in the horizon. spectacular. we were also partly delirious. we also passed our fridge-air bus heading towards rissani. we were glad to be out of the bus, and in the front seat of our roller coaster mercedes.

in rissani and now waiting for the grand taxi to fill up to take us to merzouga. this chubby guy comes up to us asking questions, we are too ansy to answer but somewhere there he says he has a turkish girlfriend and he will be marrying her. he grabs our attention. with more questions it becomes clearer. he thinks he is going to marry a turkish actress on one of the turkish soaps that airs in morocco AND he is saving money for their honeymoon.

we are not the only ones in this delirium. there are plenty others in the abyss.

we get to merzouga. to brahim's riad. (http://www.riadnezha.com/ang/index.php3) wonderful. we get there wiped out, i have the beginnings of a cold, after breakfast we head out on our safari. the desert was the atlantic millions of years ago, there are acres of fossils to prove it. we watch africans dance themselves into a trance. we bike out to the lake created by rainwater. we walk the dunes and take pictures of our shadows. we watch the sunset after a schizophrenic camel ride (our camels were real young and hoppitydoody).

we decide to go to marrakech. a wretched 12 hour bus ride is in our fate. we do it. and this time there is no heat for real. but the views are spectacular. we think we dream it because the exhaustion is high and sleeping is almost impossible. we also stop at a 24 hour butcher with a restaurant right next door. by the time we arrive at marrakech we are in hopeless shape. it was sisterhood that keeps us together. we almost walk away from the bus without our bags. 13 hours of our life carved into the history of our lives forever.

with no reservations because everywhere we called was full...we walked into djama-el-fna. i knew a little of marrakech so we headed out towards the north of djama-el-fna. we came upon riad al jana, knocked on their door, they had rooms and they were awesome for a really reasonable rate since riads are known to be on the high end. walked in marrakech for a day and half, figured out the souks, had great weather to support us and caught a train to casa.

casa. there is really not much to see in casa. how life would be there is hard to imagine. it looked like a city of luxury looking at the old dilapidated colonial buildings once upon a time and now it is a little sad.

there were times when i was a little confused as to the moroccan identity. were they arabs or africans? french speaking being so common just gets my perspective off the rails. they love their new king and have the pictures of their sons all over the place, and its not law. that is a huge gesture from the morrocans. says a lot about how connected they are to their country.

can't get enough of morocco

2010-01-06T16:49:00.003+02:00

moroccan views

2010-01-06T14:00:00.002+02:00

yeni yila hizla girmek

2010-01-04T15:47:00.003+02:00

aralik yildirim gibi gecti. yani tum sene oyleydi ama aralik bi hizla gecti. islerin tam doruk noktasinda, herkes hayli stresli, is seyhatleri var, yoga derslerini veriyorum ayni zamanda, haftasonlarini evdeki biriken sorumluluklar, ve aniden fas'a gitme karari. fas'a 2. kez gidecektim ve 23 aralik gelinceye kadar hazir bile degildim. ankara'ya haftasonu gidip geldim, arkadaslarla yemek sohbet circirgirgir, melek'in kursun dokmesi, eve donerdonmez yarimyamalak bir sirtcantasi hazirlayip eren'le yollara dustuk.

baya da dustuk. 8 gun icinde casablanca, fes, merzouga (col) ve marrakech yaptik. buralara gitmek icin tren'de toplam 10 saat, otobuslerde toplam 20 saat ve dolmuslarda 3 saat filan hayatimizi gecirmis olduk. sogugu yedik, hasta olup donduk. yandan yemis zombiler gibi de 31 aralik'ta 2009'a veda ettik.

2010 farkli olacak her yil nasil farkli oluyorsa. suprizlere hazirim, "keske" ve "ama" kelimelerini hic kullanmamaya calisacagim, analiz etmeye durduramam ama vardigim sonuclar basit olacak, hindistan ve mississippi'ye gidecegim ve ve ve ve ve...cok var listemde yav. bir kac gun icinde fas resimlerini paylasacagim. baya maceraliydi. bu yil da az olmayacak. metalmis bu yil, ayvayi yedik, ben agacim. metal agaci keser...neyse.

herkesin yeni yil kutlu olsuuuun!

whirly weekend

2009-12-21T11:20:00.003+02:00

i decided to go to ankara this weekend. it was the only available weekend i could pull off a visit to friends and my urban shamanic gypsy woman melek. what she is does is truly authentic, no weird strange potions, no dancing, no weird headwear...she heats lead to a boil, covers my body with a sheet, then splashes the lead into water. i think it's all very electro-magnetic in nature. she does it twice and then reads the warped lead in the water. very simple. and no i don't think i am getting lead poisoning from this.

once done i feel like i have just been at a 3 hour meditation session. which is why whatever happened happened because i was so relaxed. i went to mavi jeans to get a small present for a friend of mine i was staying at, duly paid it and left. the next afternoon i hopped on the bus and came right back to istanbul and straight to crystal's, the birthday girl. and that's when i noticed my wallet was missing.

it's an awful feeling. it's one thing to know you were robbed but to not know where your wallet is a whole different nightmare. after getting everyone to do an emotional flip in ankara and in istanbul i decided to cancel my credit card when i was told that the card had been cancelled already. the day before. i had noticed my wallet was missing for 24 hours even though i had cleaned my bag the morning i left ankara!!

apparently i had left it at mavi jeans. they send it out to me today.

when i was looking at myself during this entire ordeal i was just not looking forward to reissuing everything. ID card, social security, cards...and my piece of lead was in there too...

oh yeah simplify is the way to go. all direction point to "simplify".

dusunceler

2009-12-14T15:38:00.004+02:00

yil sonu ve bu yil nasil gecti degerlendirmeler kafami dolduruyor. yani insanoglu nasil bir sey...dusun babam dusun nereye kadar. yapacagim dedigin seyleri yerine getiriyorsun ve tatminlik duygusu 3 dakika suruyor sonra devam, ayni carki devam ediyor.

yedigoller'den dondukten sonra eren babasini kaybettigini haberi geldi. baba kayibi tuhaf oluyor. var olan biri, farkli bir sehirde, farkli bir yasam suren bir insan bir anda hayatindan cikmis oluyor. cok tuhaf. butun hafta kafam o duygulari bir anlasilabilir paket haline sokmaya calistim ve beceremedim galiba. tek bir gercek var- o da biz burda geciciyiz ve hayatimizi guzel yasamaliyiz. bunun ustune sanki duygular hafif gelmis gibi, gecmis yasam terapisine gittim. yil sonu ya, iste ne ogrenebilirsem kendi hakkimda o kadar iyi. yaaaaani.

evet evet oyle (der irem'in ikizi).

ve kendi hakkimda ogrendikce, derinlere indikce, ne kadar cok ta kalibim varmis onu gormus oluyorum. yani bunun hepsi 54 kiloluk vucudumda tasidigim seyler. tasi babam tasi. niye hayatimi zorlastiriyorum? ne geregi var? iste bu da bir kalip. hayat zor.

zor degiiiil. algi neyse hayat o. basit.

iste 2010'un temasi bu olacak. basitlikte mutluluk var. hersey hep basitti, komplike olupta ne kazaniyoruz ki?

yedigoller

2009-12-11T15:39:00.003+02:00

kamp yaptik yedigoller'de. harika bir yer. istanbul'dan 4.5 saat filan. bolu'dan sonra yollar yol olmaktan cikiyor. dag'a gelince bir tek levha var, "yedigoller 15 km" yaziyor ve 1.5 saatte anca gidiyorsun. araba saglam olacak, camur derin. off road jeepler filan orda camurda oynamaya gelmis, eglenceli gozukuyordu.

asil bahar ve son bahar'da guzel olur. biz 9 kadin, 4 erkek gittik, birbirimizden farkli. soforumuz film star gibi, tur liderimiz rizeli ve hikayeler anlatan bir tip. ben, eren, gizem ve burcu enteresan tayfa olarak grupta yer aliyorduk.

yuruyusler, agaclar, her taraftan akan sular, gollerin uzerindeki sari yapraklar, sis ve serpistiren yagmur...tam masal gibi bir yer iste.

daha anlatacaklarim var, resimlerle. simdi vapura yetismem gerekiyor!

amsterdam and coming home

2009-12-02T11:32:00.002+02:00

coming home feels good. i don't think i remember having felt this strongly about feeling good coming home before. i love the travel bit ^don't get me wrong. this time it was amsterdam. with crystal and scott. jesus they are funny people. we walked and walked in the streets, in the cold and sometimes in the rain. we met artists. we ate oily balls, mexican and indian. i saw old friends from my ankara days...a full 4 day vacation. perfect place for 4 days. in the spring actually great weather for cycling (even though the weather does not stop the dutch from biking anywhere anytime).

and back to istanbul. i think this place is addictive. the speed is addictive; the people is both claustrophobic but also amazingly freeing because you feel anonymous. and anonymity means not feeling responsible. which is the cancer that is here. i won't fall into that trap. but istanbul has an intoxicating dynamism that no other place has. well maybeeee new york...

sadece kitap okumak

2009-11-24T11:16:00.002+02:00

kitap okumak gercekten benim sevgilim olabilir. yani beni eglendiren, dusunduren, duslerime ates veren, koltukta onunla birlikte uyumam...sevgiliden istediklerim iste. haftasonu sadece ve sadece kitap okudum. arkadasimin yazdigi kitabi bitirdim, "into thin air"i yariladim, "seven habits of effective poeple"i bitiriyordum ve gozlerim agrimaya basladi. sonra da mum isigina bakip trataka yapmaya basladim ki guclensin.

daido moriyama

2009-11-13T18:03:00.001+02:00

i think he is the inspiration in photography i have been looking for. he is not looking for images, he is just taking pictures because he can't stop.
http://www.moriyamadaido.com/english/
and check out his youtube documentaries especially
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGv1xwrHMHs&feature=related

saash

2009-11-10T13:45:00.004+02:00

that's my yoga teacher. mysore style ashtanga is what he does. he is amazing. anyone who wants to build up on endurance and MORE flexibility needs to give this yoga style a shot. the fact that saash is iranian, living and teaching in turkey stretches ones imagination. and one other thing, yoga teachers need to go for yoga lessons too. who says teachers are done being taught.

10 kasim

2009-11-10T13:27:00.003+02:00

konsolosluga gidiyordum, taksimdeydim, taksici radyo sesini cok acmisti, 09.05'i sayan bir genc adam. saniye saniye saydi ve herkes durdu, arabasindan cikti, kornalar basildi. cok duygulandim. neden agliyorsun kendime defalarca sordum ve uzuldugumu anladim. asker gibi 09.05'da 1 dakika saygi durusunda durabiliyoruz ama ulkemize saygimiz bitti. sigara izmaritlerini halen sokaklarda sonduruyoruz, halen pet sislerimizi denize atiyoruz, sirada bekleyenleri kayle almadan one geciyoruz..daha var, listem uzun ama burda yazmayim. onun icin uzuldum. hepsi yalan. ataturk icin saygimiz var ama ulkeye gelince davranislarimiz ters. o bir dakikalik birligimiz gercekten sadece o dakika icin.

uyku

2009-11-03T11:35:00.002+02:00

cok uyumak istiyorum bu aralar. kanepem de geldi, nasil sizmak icin yaratilmis! kitap okurken, yagmur yagarken boooyle kayiveriyor her tarafim.

dogumgunu sonrasi

2009-10-20T11:12:00.003+03:00

nasil desem, otuz yaslari gercekten guzel. farkli bir farkindalik var. oldugu gibi yasama arzusu daha agir basiyor, surekli mucadele hali orani dusuyor buluyorum. hos bir dogum gunu haftasi oldu ki bitmedi galiba. daha kahve muhabbet edilecek arkadaslar kaldi ve birlikte olmak icin iyi bir bahane. eren, emel, ayse ve erginle asmali mescit'te yemek yedik (ekim'de doganlar grubu), ismini unuttum simdi ama tiklim tiklim insan ortami degildi, sigara dumanindan gozlerim yanmadi. meze arkasindan goksel'i izledik ve odasinda beklerken deli deli takildik. aklimdaki son karem emel'in ve eren'in plastik kaktusle sarki soylediklerini hatirliyorum.

ertesi gun crystal, scott ve yedi kedileriyle gecirdim. thai yemegi yapmisti ve "european vacation" filmini izledik. eski chevy chase filmi. acayip komik. kedilerle oynamak, gelecek sene neler bekliyor, facebook'ta kim ne yapmis ve neden insanlari takip ediyoruz ki muhabbetinden sonra gece gordugum dans ederken ruyamla yeni dogum yilima merhaba demis oldum.

bahanelerden kacarim ama hediye almak icin bahane uydururum. buyuk haber: kanepe aldim. L seklinde. ve sari. cok dusundum hatta buyuk bir kose donecegimi bilerek tamam dedim. esya kendimizin uzantisi sonucta. beni ifade edecek esya 100% etmeli. salonuma biri gelse 1 dakika icinde irem'in kim oldugunu az cok bilmeli dedim kendime. ve sari L kanepe, yesil perdelerle, kirmizi kitapligimla, ve disarida minik bahcemle sicak ve ferah gozukucegini inandim. patronum bourgeouis oluyorsun galiba dedi, bende kendi yasam stilimi baskalarina empoze etmek istemedigimi soyledim. yerde oturmak benim icin rahat, ama annem dahil 5 dakika sonrasi soylenir.

31 ekim'de geliyor, heyecanliyim. o zamana kadar dogumgunu kutlamam tam bir ay surecegini dusunuyorum.